Stranger Than Fiction (2006)

7.5/10 Points

I was pleasantly surprised that a man with so little hair could direct a half decent movie. Throughout the duration of this film I applauded Mark Forster for casting the likes of Will Ferrell, Dustin Hoffman, and Queen Latifah into a semi-serious dark comedy script. In his place I would have felt severely hesitant knowing these individuals are notorious for overacting and in the latter case, lacking any sort of ability or purpose; on and off the screen (Excluding eating contests).

Arrested Development’s Tony “Buster” Hale made an excellent and likable addition to this film as Harold Crick’s sole companion. Maggie Gyllenhaal and Emma Thompson’s believable character performances are also worth considerable mention; but not in this review.

Disregarding the extravagant introduction which nearly made me puke, the camera work was fantastic and artistically processed. Graphically added captions and animated object outlines were surprisingly pulled off with minimal tackiness and the selected soundtrack fit the movie comparably to Queen Latifah amongst a herd of buffalo.

I was disappointed by the fact that this movie wasn’t nearly as humerous as the trailers led me to believe. I did not enter the theatre with expectations for a comedy-drama with links to deeper meanings in regards to living your life to the fullest. You will be relieved to know that my sour mood was soothed by a pair of pretzels and the inferiority of those around me.

This film attempted to achieve a unique idea and had a good chance at separating itself from the usual Hollywood fecal matter. This would have been attained if the last few scenes remained on the cutting room floor. When will Americans learn that a happy ending isn’t necessarily the best ending?

Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan (2006)

9.5½/10 Chickens

Jagshemash, I like you! Do you like me?

It is hard to criticize a movie when most of its bases are covered.

Sacha Baron Cohen successfully created a character that is not only obscenely offensive, but remarkably likable and seemingly innocent. The audience laughs at his lack of tact, social ignorance, and overall foreignness, but the most staggering beliefs are revealed by his interviewees. Throughout the movie Borat Sagdiyev manages to dig up the part of every individual that has been concealed under years of social conditioning. Some try to mask it with proper dinning etiquette, while others blatantly yell out bigoted remarks in God’s behalf.

Many are calling Cohen’s work racist and anti-semitic. In reality it targets bigots, sexists, racists, homophobes, and Christians to ridicule them through their own actions and words. What better way to get over these global problems than to laugh at those who blindly stand for them?

Regarding the Kazakhstan government getting antsy about the release of this film due to possible negative effects on tourism and image of their country: Who can honestly say they gave two shits about this dingle berry of an ex-Soviet country before Borat came to the scene? If anything they should be paying him for the excessive amounts of advertising and press their country has received.

One of the biggest mistakes of my life was watching David Letterman’s interview with Borat minutes before going to the theatre. Disappointment rained from the sky as I realized that nearly every response from the interview was cut straight out of the movie script. Couldn’t Cohen come up with some original material to promote his film?

David Letterman interviews Borat: Link

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest (2006)

5/10 Points

Normally I appreciate the accuracy of the IMDB user rating system, but after 38,970+ votes this movie averaged 7.4 stars out of 10. I am now convinced that the website’s user base is full of inbred pirate fan boys. This movie was a sequel to a predecessor that had a complete and wrapped up ending. Why? Why could you not just leave it alone? Oh yeah, $321,899,233.

The movie climaxed during the comical escape from the Caribbean man eaters. I must admit I laughed at Depp’s physical acting and was almost convinced this movie would be worth the admission price. Several slow hours after this scene I was deeply saddened when I realized the plot I had been waiting for was never to come, there would be no more laughs, and I would only get pissed off at the countless nonsensical methods the writers used to make a 30 minute script into a 3 hour movie.

The end of this movie ravaged me more than a “to be continued” CSI episode. Elizabeth did not have to leave him on that boat, it makes no sense that Jack would jump into the squid’s mouth if he was a coward just a few frames back, and for fuck sake, why is the hell is Barbossa back to life? Huzzah, a shitty cliffhanger for yet another 3 hours of shit.

The only thing this movie was good for was kicking up my appetite for deep fried squid.

Miami Vice (2006)

5.5/10 Points

I could forsee myself getting pissed off with Colin Farrell's face by the second half of the movie, but what I didnt see comming was the shitty camera work. There were several 10 second scenes where I had no idea what I was looking at. It could have been a blurred closeup of Jamie Foxx's armpit, nose, or maybe it was his knee. In any case, an episode of CSI:Miami shows more artistry and a higher grade of editing & camera work than this high budget film.
After reviewing the credits, I realised the director casted a 41 year old to act as the young-looking business woman we know as Isabella. After realising this girl was double my age, I was no less attracted to her. She acted her role very well, but honestly, why did she have to sleep with everyone? Whore.

Now we come to Nicholas:

This looks like a man who has spent his life living in a sewer and crawling out a manhole to shop at wallmart. For god's sake where did they find such a being? Thats right, Britain.

Go figure.

Where do they find these people? This guy looks like his face is about the melt off, and I dont think the emo look is going too good for him. I couldnt take him seriously and kept laughing at his lack of facial features.

While we are on the subject of disfigured people who do nothing but bring down our species, I will bring to attention the obvious favoring of Jamie Foxx's body over Colin Farrell. Note how there are multiple shower and bed scenes where we span over Jamie Foxx's back, legs, shoulders, chest, abs, etc. Its almost like an IMAX movie where you fly over a hillside in a helicopter. Now think of Colin Farrel; even when he was banging the asian slut, it was either under the covers or in the dark. The one scene which revealed half of Colin's chest was enough to send the audience into a deep disgust. Its no wonder the editing crew cut out his shirtless scenes.

I can handle ugly, I live in manitoba, but please tell me how two renegade detectives managed to get a Ferrari F430? You would think the city of Miami has a better way to spend 6 digits. I'm sure the tax payers would rather have their streets cleaned and have the homeless fed & sheltered than have two assholes drive arround in a Ferrari.

Next on the list of what pissed me off is reverse racism. Sure, Neonazi's are biggots and their beliefs are twisted. But do you really have to take the white trash stereotype to the level of making the whole Aryan brotherhood wear wifebeaters and live in a trailor park? I think someone who traffic's, sells, steals drugs and drives arround in high class cars can afford real estate slightly above a trailor.

As you can see, a lot pissed me off about this movie, but I still enjoyed it. I didnt even regret paying 17$ for me and my special ladyfriend to see it.

Now we can only hope that after the filming was over, Jamie Foxx shaved that pathetic pubic triangle on his chin, and Colin Farrel washed his hair.

Superman Returns (2006)

4/10 Points

Well that was a load of armadillo shit.

I paid 7$ to enjoy superman kicking some foreign villain ass, not to watch some rendition of Jesus flying around in his underwear. If that was my goal, I would have read the bible.

Honestly, I don’t read comics, but has Superman always been such a pussy? I didn’t catch him throwing a single punch during the whole movie, he got his ass kicked by an old balding AIDS patient, and he didn’t even give an honest effort to steal Lois from some inferior human! You call that a super hero? For gods sake, Batman is more of a superhero; and he is just some rich guy with money, fake abs, a ridiculous car, and an obedient butler.

I realize he is Superman, and therefore I am letting the flying, x-ray vision, and super-human strength slide, but the least the producers could have done was make him follow Newton's third law of motion. How the fuck do you lift a boat out of the water when you are pushing against it with your feet for support? That’s like trying to pull a car with your feet resting on its bumper. Try it, I dare you.

Its no wonder the Wayans brother’s 'Little Man' is two spots ahead in the Box Office. Spending 7$ on this movie is about as wasteful as Superman is with his powers.

Racist prick. Why dont you go save some visible minorities for a change?